she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
