I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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