There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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