did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
