I wanna bring you to show and tell
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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