Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize