i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
