Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
