A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
