The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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