You left your underwear on the fireplace
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
