eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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