this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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