I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
