They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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