My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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