why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
