I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
