the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
