When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
