so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
