I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
