It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
