its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
