I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
