I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize