maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
