i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
