He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
