I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
