I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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