Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
