You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
