Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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