He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
