i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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