my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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