I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
i think im in europe. pls send help
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
