dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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