i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
