There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
