1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I came so hard my ears popped.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
