my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
