plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
