Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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