cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
