he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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