and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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