Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
