his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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