This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
