just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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