my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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