i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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