I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
