Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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