I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
