dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
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