Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
