But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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