Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
