I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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