I'm really into asian looking animals
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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