You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
