How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
