I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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