I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
MIDGETS
????
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
