So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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