my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
