I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
