from now on my penis is your penis
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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